Acceptance and Boundaries in a Relationship
by Cathy Wagner - posted September 11, 2019

In a healthy relationship, how does one balance boundaries with complete acceptance of a loved one? I mean, if we want them to feel free to be exactly who they are, then how can we criticize or complain about their behavior? We can't, it's illogical, and it's important to note: that's not what boundaries are for.

Boundaries are meant to protect us from intentional or unintentional harm, they are not weapons to control, or use against, another. "Complete acceptance" does not mean that anyone should accept things like abuse or disrespect. These are minimal boundaries that everyone should enforce. In a healthy relationship, this should go without saying. Both sides, in loving each other, should want to respect the other and protect them from abuse.

Healthy boundaries are about what we will allow into our reality and how we will be treated by others. Boundaries can be enforced without the cooperation of others. "Don't chew with your mouth open" is a criticism. "I'm gonna go eat in the other room" is enforcing a boundary.

In every couple, each person will find that their partner has some annoying habits. We can choose whether or not they are important enough to discuss with our partner, in the hope of compromise. With a desire to accept our partner as completely as possible, we can overlook habits that don't really have an impact on us:

"I hate that he let's his laundry pile up before he washes it."

And save any critical discussions for things that do have an impact on us:

"I tripped over your laundry last night when I got up to pee."

The first would be a criticism and the second would be enforcing a boundary. Nobody wants to run the risk of hurting themselves in the night. Speaking up is the first step, in that you are letting your partner know there is a problem that needs to be resolved. If they were to ignore your concern, you might decide to sleep in another room, thereby eliminating the risk and fully enforcing that boundary.

A person's behavior is not the same as feelings. In many cases, if you were to say, "Could you pile your laundry up on the other side of the room?" it would be no big deal. The offending partner might apologize and move the laundry without any more discussion. But when you're talking about something like "my feelings are hurt," it can be more emotional.

Since yelling isn't really a part of a healthy relationship, what would that look like?

• It would start by honoring the emotion
  "Tell me about it"
  "I'm sorry that happened to you"
  "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings"
  
• Followed by reassurance
  "I am here for you"
  "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings"
  "I love you"
  
• And discussion
  "This is how we both feel about the issue"
  "How can we avoid this in the future"

The yelling, in my experience, is usually a result of the values and judgments a person has placed on criticism. Both sides, in a "normal" response to emotion, send and receive so much energetic information that is not even openly present in the discussion, through their tone and attitude, that the other side feels attacked. With a firm commitment to acceptance, respect and boundaries, a healthy relationship can be the foundation for an honest exchange of feelings and ideas that can help to make that relationship even stronger.