Acceptance vs. Boundaries
by Cathy Wagner - posted March 19, 2019

Acceptance and boundaries. We hear about them both a lot. But how do we balance "I accept you as you are" and "Don't do that with me"?

Acceptance means "I won't try to change you." It is meant to give a loved one the space to be fully who they are without feeling like they need to explain or apologize for it. It's not always easy. Most of us have had thoughts like, "Why do you have to do that?" or "If only they didn't ____, they would be perfect!" Acceptance can be hard, but it's worth it because it is a great gift to the object of our affection. It builds their confidence and, in turn, strengthens their love.

Boundaries are meant to protect us from intentional or unintentional harm. They can range from "Don't touch me" or "Don't make plans for me" to "Don't talk to me like that." We don't normally even think about boundaries until we have been drained, broken, or depleted in some way. By the time we are setting boundaries, we have given it a lot of thought and feel like it's important that they be respected.

Now what happens when you get close to someone who's normal way of being clashes with one of your boundaries? What's the procedure? Who's right and who's wrong? Which one has to change?

As an example, let's say we have one person who is very passionate and everyone can see it when they talk about something that excites them. Their voice raises, their eyes flash and you can feel the energy coming off them. Unfortunately, when they are upset, the same passion surfaces as anger. They yell and sometimes say hurtful things. This is their way.

Their partner is more reserved. They get excited about things, but their passion isn't as strong as the first. They rarely raise their voice and when they get upset, they have a tendency to retreat and think about it before they want to talk about it calmly. They love their partner's passion, but in an argument they feel overwhelmed to a point where they are reluctant to talk about the things that bother them.

Acceptance is wonderful and necessary in healthy relationships, but unconditional acceptance leaves one in a similar position as a doormat. This is why we have boundaries. In the case above, it is wonderful that the second partner cherishes the first's passion, but that passion will need to be tempered to some extent if the first partner wants the second to feel safe and comfortable to express themselves. The second partner should be able to ask the first to work with them when it comes to being upset and the two should work together to find ways to make it easier for the second to share uncomfortable feelings.

Now, it's easy to imagine a situation where the first partner might object by saying "Why do I have to change? Why can't they be the one to build up a tougher skin?" The answer to this lies in the love dynamic that exists between the two. Does the first partner really care about the second to a point where they want them to be able to express themselves? Or are they more concerned with being however they want to be and the second partner will just have to fend for themselves, if it makes them uncomfortable?

The purpose of boundaries is not to control another, and if they are used that way, I think it is a form of abuse, or manipulation at the very least. Boundaries are not meant to say "You shouldn't do that" or "You shouldn't be that way." They should only be used to say, "Please don't do that to me."