Setting and Enforcing Boundaries in Your Life
by Cathy Wagner - posted November 10, 2018

A lot of people are talking about boundaries. What are they? And how do we enforce them?

Boundaries are personal, they have nothing to do with anyone else but ourselves. They are about accepting responsibility for ourselves and our state of mind. We make decisions about the activities or behavior we are willing to accept in our lives and we reject that which does not resonate with us. These decisions shape our boundaries. It's relatively easy to establish and maintain healthy boundaries when we don't really have anyone that's close to us, but when it comes to applying our new found boundaries to existing relationships, it can get a bit sticky.

Here's a common example. You might decide that you are finished with yelling, fighting, and bullying of any kind. You resolve, within yourself, that you will no longer participate in these types of exchanges. How will you enforce this boundary? You might decide that whenever any conversation or situation degenerates into yelling or bullying, you will simply walk away. Then, you go out into the world and put this new boundary to the test.

As you walk down the street or shop in the grocery store, you might encounter people who are arguing or yelling. It very easy to cross the street to avoid that angry person who's shaking his fist and yelling at the sky, or skip that aisle where the toddler is writhing on the floor, kicking and screaming, because his mom won't buy the kind of cereal he wants. But, when you test that boundary with people you know, it's not so easy.

Maybe you're at your parents' house for dinner. Your dad starts in on you about the usual stuff; it always ends up in an argument. Time to go! You don't have to say, "If you're gonna go there, I'm gonna leave." That would just start a new argument. You simply say, "Gotta go!" They might not notice you've got a new boundary if you've already eaten. If you haven't, they might ask and you might even want to explain...later, after everyone's had a chance to get back to center. It doesn't matter. To be true to yourself and your new way of being, you just go, even if you have to make up some kind of excuse.

People in your home are harder. While you may be able to walk away from a kid who is complaining about the kind of cereal you got, you won't be able to keep them from following you around and continuing to harangue you. The same goes for a lover who lives with you. You will have to talk to these people and tell them what's going on with you. You will have to explain why you've made this decision and what they can expect when they start yelling. "If you want something from me, you will have to talk to me calmly or I will ignore you and your request."

The children may respond to this kind of strategy better than the adults, as long as you stick to your guns. Before long they will get tired of the repetitive cycle and adapt. With the adults, the hope is that the people in your home care about you and want you to be healthy, comfortable, and happy. If they do, they should be able to hear you and work with you until you find a compromise that works for everyone. If they ignore your new boundary, then you may have to re-evaluate the health of the relationship.

The hardest may be the workplace. It would be great if all bosses were civil to their employees, but sadly, that's not the case. Some bosses think it's ok to yell and scream, because they are the boss, but your new resolve won't allow you to be treated that way. You can try excusing yourself to the bathroom when they're yelling at someone else, but that probably won't work if the boss's anger is directed at you.

Even if you've made a mistake, you don't deserve to be yelled at. A good boss is a leader, not a bully. You can try talking to them to let them know you deserve to be treated with respect. This can work in a similar way that it works to stand up to a schoolyard bully, but you will have to be prepared to look for a new job when you stand up to your boss, just in case he is completely unwilling to bend.

I know that sounds scary, but I have left jobs because the boss was a bully and every time it felt like the best thing I ever did for myself. In every case, I found a new job with better people and was always thankful that I walked away from an unhealthy job environment. Once you set your intention, be on the lookout for new opportunities that will make it easier for you to reject work related behavior that drains you and tears you down.

Setting and enforcing boundaries is the best way to take control of your life and minimize stress. Not everyone will be able to accept your new boundaries easily, but those who feel threatened by them are precisely the reason we need them.