One of the very first rules we learn as children is generally some variation of “No hurting”. We’re taught that it’s wrong to be mean or violent with pets, siblings and other children. As we grow, many of us are shocked by the behavior of bullies and abusive adults. In fact, every legal system and religious code created by adult humans around the world from the beginning of time agrees, hurting others is wrong. So, why do we have a culture that is so abusive and what can we do about it?
When we examine the last several generations we might find some clues. One of the best records we have for gauging how Americans typically treat each other is television. Sitcoms depicting family interactions are particularly useful in illustrating the status quo in terms of what people see as “normal” during any given time.
In my lifetime, I have been exposed to the complete range of “family entertainment television,” from black and white classics such as I Love Lucy and The Dick Van Dyke Show through modern shows like The Simpsons and The Family Guy. Aside from the fact that the modern shows named are animated (which is particularly appealing to children), the differences in how the characters treat each other is shocking. Things like basic respect and kindness have been replaced by personal jabs and cutting one liners designed to make someone look stupid. Charmingly simple but funny story lines have been largely replaced by humans treating each other poorly, apparently to the amusement of the masses.
To a child or young person, this is confusing, particularly when they see these negative television behaviors reflected in real life. Whether they see the adults and role models in their lives as being amused by negative behavior or actually participating themselves (even just saying things like “I wanted to punch him in the face” or “I will kill you!” can be taken quite literally by children), it sends a message to children that rules like “No hurting” are just for children and there will come a time when they may abandon them in favor of adulthood.
As we learn more and more about healthy relationships, it becomes quite clear that this normalization of abuse and disrespect is a major problem. It is never ok to hurt others, particularly the people we love. I don’t care if those loved ones say it’s ok or they understand, it’s not ok. Even if they say nothing or seem upset for a while but then get over it, it’s still not ok.
It is never ok to hurt others, particularly the people we love.
So, what can we do about it?
As always, the place to start is with oneself because the self is really the only thing over which we have any control. For many of us, this means breaking habits we’ve been indulging for years. Many of us were raised in an angry and abusive culture ourselves and it’s up to us to identify how it has affected us and how it plays out in our lives.
- Are we rigid and judgmental with others?
- Do we get angry often?
- Do we feel a kind of power or elation with anger?
- Do we say things in anger that we don’t mean?
- Does our anger hurt others either emotionally or physically?
Answering the above questions should give us plenty of food for thought. Of course, many of us would like to answer “no” to each, but as you watch your behavior in the next few days with these questions in mind, I urge you to be as honest with yourself as possible. Even one “yes”, coupled with honest contemplation, can lead you on a path to reduce the level of anger in your life and also the amount of pain you might pass on to others.
How does one go about controlling their anger?
- The first step is to identify anger as an issue. In today’s world, most people have good reason to be angry, but is that really the energy you want to put out there? Do you really want your anger to hurt others in the same way you were hurt? Once you are aware of your own anger, you can start to address it.
- Do the work to process your anger. Feel it, acknowledge it and release it as many times as it takes. Try to learn whatever lessons it has for you. Did you give too much or maybe too little? Did you trust too soon? Did you or someone else act rashly? Is there anything you can do to make the negative situation better or easier? Whatever the source of your anger, try to come to terms with it so that it doesn’t rule you. Emotions are important and can provide a lot of insight into your state of mind, but you are the Master of your internal living environment.
- Try to break the habit. When you start to feel yourself getting angry with someone or a situation, walk away to regroup and approach it again when you feel more centered. Monitor what you say when you start to feel angry and don’t let your mouth run unchecked. Use breath and intention to help you stay centered in the moment. Deal with the issue at hand instead of “You always do this!”
- Don’t expect quick results. The process of self change takes time. You can set your mind and implement new goals and habits, but it will be a while before these things take hold and become your new normal. Be patient with yourself and don’t give up.
- Apologize. Own up to your failure to control your temper when it happens. Truly resolve to maintain better control over your reactions in the future. Let others see that it’s important to you. Remember, people who are keen to build healthy relationships will most likely have boundaries in place that limit the amount of anger they will allow in their lives.
As someone who has struggled with anger all their life, I can tell you that the above tips are definitely worth implementing. They will not erase anger from your life, but they will create a more pleasant internal living environment for you and reduce the amount of pain and discomfort you contribute to the world and those around you.