I suffered from low self esteem when I was young. I felt like I didn’t know anything and that everyone else was more confident and attractive than me. I convinced myself that I was ugly and so weird that nobody would like me. I hated spending time alone and if someone showed an interest in me, I was desperate to please them and be what they wanted me to be, so they wouldn’t go away and leave me alone with the completely negative environment in my head. It sucked.
In college, I unknowingly took the first step toward rectifying this. I realized, when I was at work I was cheerful and professional. Whatever had been going on at home, I left it at the door and did my job with a smile. I was friendly with my co-workers and they really seemed to like me. But at home, I was usually more morose, negative and unmotivated. I decided that I liked my work personality better than my home personality, and that I wanted to adopt that attitude in all aspects of my life. My boyfriend seemed surprised at the change, but he also seemed to approve of me being more cheerful as a rule, which was a blessing.
This helped, but it didn’t solve everything. Internally, when things got tough, I still had a tendency to be very hard on myself. I felt like other people liked me better, but this didn’t change the fact that I still didn’t really like myself. It wasn’t until I was 40 years old that I was thrown into a group environment with 75 other people that I didn’t know for a self-development seminar. I was very nervous as I approached, almost to a point of panic, but I paid a lot of money to attend this thing with the hope of building my confidence, so I resolved to go in and do it. I said to myself, “This is me, they are just going to have to deal with it.”
That experience was life changing for me. I was shocked at the way people responded to me. Not only did they like me and think I was fun to be around, but some of the other attendees actually came to me for advice and wanted to stay in contact with me after the seminar was over. On the last day of the seminar, the facilitator asked the group to report what they felt was the most important thing they had learned. One girl actually stood up and said something I told her as the most important thing she learned! The facilitator was confused, because they hadn’t presented that information, but I was blown away that she had taken what I said so much to heart. I walked away feeling like there really isn’t anything wrong with me, in fact, I might actually be pretty awesome.
This was really the beginning of my journey toward self love. If you are still reading this, you’re probably seeing the negative effects of low self esteem in your life and would like to make a change. Don’t expect magic, you can’t just flip a switch in your head and suddenly feel love for yourself. But, there are things you can do to change your internal living environment to a more positive one.
- Choose – It all starts with a choice. You must decide that nobody is any better than you and that you are worthy of love, particularly from yourself. It’s really true. We are all human with our own strengths and weaknesses, we’re all beautiful in our own way, and everyone deserves love. When you make this choice, you now have a responsibility to yourself to at least stop being mean to yourself and to try to look out for you like you would a friend. Think about how you would feel if your best friend came to you and told you they did something stupid; how would talk to them or reassure them? Now you must do the same for you.
- Action – Yes, love is a feeling, but it’s also a verb. Be nice to yourself. Talk to yourself with kindness and do nice things for yourself. Spending time alone and doing things you like to do can help. Learn to giggle with yourself over funny things you think and even silly mistakes you make. Try to have fun with yourself and allow yourself to see that you are actually cool and fun to be around.
- Protection – Protect yourself from yourself and others. Boundaries are really important; you must set AND enforce them, even with yourself. No more name calling and beating yourself up for things that have happened. When you find yourself falling back into self destructive habits, be kind and patient with yourself as you gently remind yourself that you’re not doing that any more.
- Patience – Changing the way you view yourself takes time and dedication. Over time, as you break the habits of a lifetime, you will slowly come to see that there really is nothing wrong with you. You are kind and loving, beautifully unique and fun to be around. Take deep breaths and continually remind the child within that you deserve to be treated kindly and with respect, particularly by yourself.
- Watch the World Change – As you get better at the above steps, pay attention to how the world reacts to the new you. Notice how people relate to you differently and how new kinds of people are drawn into your life; people who can see and appreciate the real you. You might also notice that some people feel threatened by the new you, but remember, anyone who does not support your new growth most likely benefited from your low self esteem in some way. The health and value of these relationships will need to be re-evaluated.
As you implement these practices you will feel a release from tension and turmoil. When you don’t have to constantly protect or defend yourself from the negative conversation in your head, you will feel more at ease. You will not be so desperate for companionship that you allow people to treat you like crap. Your confidence will improve over time so that a negative word from others doesn’t cut so deep and make you doubt your worthiness for love and respect. Doesn’t that sound good? You can do it. I believe in you.