To me, a parent’s primary responsibility in raising children is to nurture them to be healthy functioning members of society. To do that in today’s world, there are many different components involved in reaching that end, such as keeping them safe and healthy or providing for them, but none of these are the end goal or our primary function. Even their happiness is not the end goal or our primary function. Our primary function is to raise people who can get along in the world.
When my kids were teenagers, I was shocked to learn that many of their friends had no real world experience whatsoever. Most did not know how to do laundry or cook anything more complicated than toast or microwavable mac and cheese. Many had never made a purchase themselves, which meant they had never spoken to a cashier or had to count their change. I worked with a girl once who called an ambulance because she had a sore throat. I even met a woman who was at least 23 who had no idea how to fill out a money order or pay her rent. I consider this an unconscionable failure on the part of many parents. The time to teach your kids to be an adult is when they are kids.
My kids started doing their own laundry when they were 5 years old. It wasn’t because I was militant or a tyrant, they showed an interest in the washing machine. They wanted to push the buttons and make it do its thing. Great. Go get your laundry. I showed them how to work it and how to measure the detergent. When it was done, I helped them reach the stuff at the bottom as we put it all in the dryer and showed them how to turn it on. They were thrilled. From then on, it was their job to do their own laundry and they were glad to do it.
When they got their first bit of money, probably as a gift or maybe the tooth fairy, I let them pick out what they wanted to spend it on and told them to go pay the nice man behind the counter. The nice man was delighted and very patient with them as he took their money and gave them their change. Again they were thrilled, never once realizing they were gaining foundational real life experience.
They learned about herbs and taking care of their bodies from a very young age, just by seeing how I took care of them. They knew all about things like the importance of being clean, eating good food, massage, colloidal silver, herbal tinctures, tea tree oil, lavender, and things like steam and warm compresses for an earache or sinus headache. They didn’t know it, but they knew more about self care than a lot of adults! And, as a special bonus, they didn’t have to go to the doctor nearly as often as their classmates.
As they got older and started to complain about having to pick up after themselves, I came right out and told them that I am raising them to be fully functional and productive members of society. I had no wish to produce adult sized children who had to bring their laundry home to me to wash, or who couldn’t feed themselves properly, or needed to me to sew on a button. I told them by the time they were grown, they would know how to perform all the basic functions of life. And they did. They learned how to do dishes, what boiling means and how to scramble eggs. They experimented with baking, filled out paperwork, and paid for their own phone service once they were old enough to work and earn the money for themselves. I even made them save 10% of their first paychecks, just so they could have that experience.
I did my best to foster their growth into adulthood emotionally, too. I never tried to shield them from disappointment. After all, disappointment is a part of life and I was glad to be able to help them learn coping skills at a young age. I talked to them about what they liked in their first crushes and let them cry on my shoulder over their first disappointments without judgment. I made them write short papers about healthy relationships when they had problems with their early romances. I talked to them about sex and supplied them with birth control when it became necessary. I even let them have their first taste of alcohol at home so they would know what to expect when their friends were doing it.
Of course, they still had questions and challenges when they started living on their own, but it wasn’t like a terrifying new world where they had no idea what they were doing. They had the basics covered and it empowered them to go on out there and give life their best effort.